


Luminiferous are our halves when they become whole

by Ebyru



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-23
Updated: 2012-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-02 09:44:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/367632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ebyru/pseuds/Ebyru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is not meant to love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Luminiferous are our halves when they become whole

**Author's Note:**

> no spoilers.  
> un-beta'd. 
> 
> comments appreciated.

**17.**

_forgive me if I laugh  
you are so sure of love  
you are so young  
and I too old to learn of love. _

  
  


There is no such thing as love for angels. They know only of obedience and defiance. They know only of honesty and lies. They could only love their Father. But even that isn’t love in the way humans know it. It is a feeling of belief, respect, _awe_. Angels, just like His children, were created in His image. They hold but a fraction of his beauty and perfection, and humans even less.

So how could they love the ones far below them? They are not meant to. Castiel is not meant to.

\----------

Sam Winchester is in awe when he meets Castiel for the first time. Curiously, Castiel wonders if he looks to him as Castiel does his Father up in Heaven.

Castiel watches Sam when he sleeps, pressing a finger to his temple to take away the nightmares and replace them with peace. Sam whispers Castiel’s name and it sounds like a prayer meant for his Father.

Sam is angry with Dean when Dean defiles Castiel.  Dean sees Castiel as a child, and Castiel sees Dean as a lower being with too many opinions. Sam still looks at Castiel with awe, and he apologizes in his brother’s place.

Castiel is always with Dean because Dean is simple, clear. He doesn’t have to wonder what Dean is thinking because he knows the way his mind works. Sam watches Castiel longingly and Castiel doesn’t understand. For the first time, on Earth, Castiel is frightened.

Sam calls Castiel when Dean is too stubborn or too proud to do it. Castiel doesn’t want to answer, but he can’t deny the youngest Winchester. He wants to understand Sam’s mind, to read through it like pages of a book.

Dean brings Castiel to a brothel. Castiel kisses a human woman for the first time. It’s not what he expects, but it isn’t bad either. Sam finds out from the lipstick on Castiel’s white collar, and doesn’t speak to either of them for several days. Castiel does not comprehend it.

Castiel answers Sam’s call one night, unaware that Dean is asleep. Sam steps out of bed, pinning Castiel too quickly, too roughly to the wall. Castiel wonders if Sam has taken some of his strength away in all this time. Dean makes a sound, and Castiel disappears from Sam’s grasp.

Sam ignores Castiel the next time he shows up. Dean is the one who called this time. Dean is explaining their conundrum, but Castiel is wrapped in his thoughts, focused solely on Sam biting his lip and keeping his gaze away from the angel’s. Castiel feels need in his gut and disappears as soon as Dean is done talking.

Castiel kisses a human man for the first time. It’s not what he expects; it’s better. Sam tastes of gratitude and need, his fingers gentle and possessive in Castiel’s hair. They pull away and Sam’s skin is flushed. Castiel doesn’t feel like understanding this. Sam loosens his grip and Castiel leaves.

Sam doesn’t speak of the kiss, not even to Dean. Dean eyes them when they are in the room together but mentions nothing. Castiel is grateful to Dean, as always. He seems to understand Castiel just as well as Castiel understands him.

Dean frowns when Castiel arrives and Sam ducks into the bathroom. He tells Castiel to fix whatever he’s done. Castiel has done nothing. Sam is the one who has tried to seduce a creature that does not require love—not in the way of companionship.

Sam calls Castiel from Heaven. Castiel reluctantly answers his plea, knowing Dean is likely asleep. Sam kisses him again. There are a myriad of tastes, inflections, questions in it. _Take me, accept me, am I not good enough? How can I be better? Please love me. I love you. I love you. I love you so much it’s driving me crazy._ Castiel doesn’t wait for Sam to pull away before leaving this time.

Castiel returns of his own accord. Dean glares at Castiel. He’s easy to read as always. Sam does nothing, says nothing, and refuses to look at Castiel. Somehow that is more painful than anything Castiel could have fathomed. What is happening? Why does his vessel ache? Why does his grace burn?

Dean warns Castiel to either apologize or never to return. It’s not up to Castiel whether he returns to see the Winchesters or not. It’s his mission, they are his charges, it is his duty. But the thought of being unwelcome does bother him.

Sam is alone when Castiel appears before him. Castiel stands next to Sam, who is intent on keeping his eyes glued to his laptop, putting a hand on his shoulder. Sam is instantly standing, watching Castiel with that same longing. Castiel doesn’t know what to do with it, can’t deal with being the one worshipped and loved.

 _Love_.

Sam loves him. But what is love? How could it work between angel and human? How could Castiel who’s known the beginning of the planet’s life, the evolution of these creatures, fall for one so young in age, so far from perfection?

Sam is breathing hard, leaning down, pushing Castiel’s chin up. Castiel feels like he’s falling in more ways than one. When their lips touch it’s like fireworks, bright and hot. It feels uncivilized, but Castiel yields. Sam is in love, that’s what he lets Castiel know with each new kiss. Castiel begins to understand him, at long last. Like a priceless jewel being uncovered after centuries of searching. Castiel opens his grace and Sam’s soul climbs in wholeheartedly.

Maybe Sam could teach him about love.


End file.
